And it isn't me.
I am not the problem.
This is a breakthrough, and I want to tell the whole world about it. Press Release: the era of my self-loating may be coming to a close. Monumental, I know.
A woman spends her entire life trying to prove her worth to herself. I read that in a novel last week. If anyone tries to convince me that God doesn't use creative ways to reach his kiddos, I'd punch them in the face. Not really, but this was a monumental sentence for me tucked in between the pages of a non-monumental work of fiction.
I have been spending the last 22 years trying and failing to prove to myself that I'm worthy of a man's attention and affection--my father's especially.
Pause button. Fast forward over one month later:
Vulnerabilty. Transparency. These things are what I fear. I wrote this post on August 20. It is now October 15.
Why do I post on a public blog? Anyone can find me. Not many people know that I write here.
Why do I post? Why did I begin to post publicly? My hope was that someone could read my thoughts, my life, and relate. That someone somewhere could follow me and know that they aren't alone--and in some way, I would know that I'm not alone either.
But this time--much like the other times that I've deleted blogs--I was afraid. Someone would know too much about me. Someone would be able to peer into the glass that I've covered long ago with newspapers and fabric, so that no light could shine through.
So YOU might read this. The one person who knows nothing about me except for what you read. The person who knows everything about me except for what I write. You might find me. You might find out that I have issues with my dad. You might find out that I rejoice in peace and community. You might know that when I look in the mirror, sometimes I don't like what I see. You might come to know the love that I have for my family, my friends, my Savior. You might come to know the problems I have loving myself.
I hope you do, and I hope it helps.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:21-23
