the puzzle.

Everyday is a battle.

It has crossed my mind quite a few times to write "God is in control. Go all in. Trust Him" in every single place that I look regularly---every corner, every mirror, every computer screen, every person’s forehead that I walk by. To tattoo it in my mind and hope that the repetition could somehow lead to a reality, a truth that I really believe with all that is in me. A truth that I breathe in and live out.

God is in control.

Go all in.

Trust Him.

Hindsight is 20/20. I know that. My life is a written record of God’s promises, of His perfect timing, full of His invisible fingerprints that have taken me on the ride of a lifetime, that have turned my world upside down and brought me here. It’s easy to look back and see how He’s been there, how things have worked like magic to come together so perfectly like puzzle pieces to this unsolvable puzzle that I call life.

My Senior year of high school, I led the high school freshmen in my student ministry on a scavenger hunt. Each group of 9 had to find 9 pieces to a puzzle. Each piece was a square of canvas, painted black, with another figure painted in a different color. When they put their 9 pieces together, the painted figures formed a cross. At the end of the day, each group laid down their cross with the others. When we flipped over each cross, it revealed one large cross on the other side.

What I used as an illustration of the body of Christ and how each member serves a purpose for the greater good, I now consider an illustration of each chapter in my life. Every step of the journey, I find a puzzle piece. I have no idea where it goes or how it fits in to the greater picture, but as each chapter of my life closes, I find its meaning. And as the chapters compile, I’m learning to trust that they will all form the single, brightly colored cross that brings meaning to it all.

Go all in.

I had a recent conversation with my mom about happiness. I can’t quite decide if I’m happy here in Dallas. What does happiness even mean? How does it compare to joy? What does it mean if I’m not happy? If I’m just content? I like my life. I like my friends. I like my job, but I know there’s more. I’m fully aware of the potential I have to live life, and I feel as if I’m waiting on something else, outside of my control, to pull the trigger and say, “Go. LIVE!” But go where? With who? Do what?

My mom says I don’t live in the moment. I live in anticipation of the future. In college, I remember having a conversation with her where she told me that’s the right way to live. Now, she’s telling me otherwise. In college, I was miserable because I wasn’t being pursued by any boys. No one was interested in me. I couldn’t find a good set of friends like I had in high school. I was torn up about it, and she said that I shouldn’t wallow in my present circumstances. I should live in anticipation of what is to come, that God had plans for me far greater than Southwestern—far greater than if Johnny so-and-so wanted to date me.

So to go “all in” as my friend describes, would require a delicate balance of living in the moment and living for the future. Right. Frankly, if I were to be honest with myself--I have no idea how to do that.

Trust Him.

“Trust the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”

I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea where I’m headed. I have no comprehension of how God is moving in my life. But I have a history of God’s presence in my life. I am constantly humbled by, a believer in, and completely and utterly banking on God’s perfect timing at this point.

As a pastor at Watermark said last week at church, “I’m in. Come hell or high water, I’m in. Even when I see no resolution, I’m in.”

I’m in. Even though everyday is a battle. Even though I am constantly catching myself in doubt. Even though I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I’m still in. And I always will be. God has been faithful to His daughter for 22 years, and it’s time I put a little faith in Him.