worth it.

Is it better for a child to live thinking that life isn't complicated or to understand at an early age how complicated life really is? When they're in their 20s, which child is more prepared for the unexpected plot twists that seem to happen fairly frequently across the board?

In some way, I feel deceived. I grew up living a dream--my family was perfect, we had plenty of money, my dad loved my mom, my parents loved me. I was smart, beautiful...perfect. Everything was going to be..perfect.

Behind Door #1: Divorce.
Behind Door #2: Emotional abuse.
Behind Door #3: Pain.

And somehow before I even realized what exactly was happening and how it affected me, the dysfunctional family cancer had taken over my entire being...so intricately woven into every aspect of my life.

I had no chance. For six years, I've been swimming upstream and going nowhere fast.

Yet little by little, I have become more aware of the issues, and as I sort through them, they begin to unveil a deeper layer where this painful probe has penetrated. I'm drowning, and just as soon as I find myself at the surface to take a breath, I'm pushed back down into the current, pedalling as fast as I can--and achieving unsatisfactory results.

As I came into my teenage years, I became more like my mother. Simultaneously, I became more like my father. I couldn't help it. I became a fatal combination. As I sit here, I wonder if there was ever any hope for me (for us) to begin with.

Obligatory love. Filial love. Familial love. Love because you have to. This is what I'm told. But this is not what I have to hear.

I refuse to believe that this is my destiny. I'm not interested in hearing how I'm not worth your time. He has promised me unfailing love. He has promised me true love. I will know the love of a Father, of a man. I will know what it means to be liked and loved.

Without condition.
Without obligation.